Talking to Children about Death

When someone close to your child or young person has died it can be difficult to know how best to support them, especially when you have children of different ages and levels of understanding.

Penhaligon’s Friends can help you find the right words and help with resources and ideas to manage your children’s reactions. Not all children will need additional support with their grief, you and other adults around your children are able to provide immediate reassurance and predictability and allow them to share their thoughts and feelings. It is helpful if you can talk to your children honestly and explain what has happened in a way that they can understand. They will need some information to help them make sense about what has happened.

When explaining that someone has died, it is important to use clear language

Try not to say the dead person ‘fell asleep and did not wake up’, as children may then be afraid of going to sleep and not waking up again. Avoid saying phrases like ‘we lost your dad’ or ‘they’ve gone to be a star in the sky’ as this can be confusing for children and can make them fear situations.

Whilst you will want to protect your child, it is important to be honest with them. Here are some suggestions:

• Give them a warning shot – explain to your child that you have some bad news to tell them.
• Explain that the person has died.
• Start with a simple explanation at this stage such as ‘daddy was found dead in the car’.
• You can build on the information you give your child over time – whilst the truth may seem hard, it can be far more damaging to a child if they are told things that are not true.

Be prepared for any questions they have and how you might respond. It is ok to say you don’t know the answer to all of their questioning but reassure them you will share with them when you know more information. You may need to repeat information a number of times with younger children.  It can be helpful to have someone around who can also support you.

Do make sure that you share your news and any relevant circumstances with your children’s schools so that they can help to support too. Often children may be keen to return to school, familiar routines and boundaries are important to help children feel safe.

Try to talk to your children about the funeral and allow them to contribute where they can. Giving them choices helps them to feel included and have their opportunity to say good-bye in their own way.

It’s really important that during this time you take some time to deal with your own grief and emotions, so where possible seek help from other adults to share the load. You need to address your own grief to be able to help your children so taking time for yourself is needed and not selfish. Things that can help are doing something as ordinary as having a relaxing bath, a walk or reading a book.