Children & Young People
It can be extremely difficult when someone you know has died.
The death of a family member, friend or pet can leave you feeling a whole range of emotions, which can also be felt when we hear of the death of someone famous and may not have even known them.
Grief is an emotional response to the loss of the person and is a process rather than an event. It can affect people in many ways, including mentally, physically, and socially. Grief has no timescale and some feelings will always stay with us after someone has died, but how those feelings affect us may change over time.
When you have experienced the death of someone, you need time and space to grieve and to help adjust to living without their physical presence in your life. This can take longer for some than others.
We all grieve differently, you might feel:
- Shock
- Anger
- Sadness
- Fear
- Guilt
- Relief
- Numb/Nothing
- Anxious (about your own health and others)
- Abandoned
- Lost
All these feelings and more are valid and normal to have when someone has died.
How Can I Manage My Grief?
It does take time to work through grief and it is best not to do it on your own. Sometimes you might be surprised by feelings of sadness when you don’t expect them and you may find yourselves worrying about other people’s health, or your own. These feelings are all normal and most people get through with the support of family and friends.
It can be normal to feel guilty after someone has died, but please remember their death was not your fault. If you have moments when you are not feeling sad or missing the person who has died, that is also normal and ok. It does not mean that you don’t care enough. You are allowed to continue with your life, and it is not a sign that you don’t care enough for the person who has died, you are just adjusting to living life without them physically being here.
How Can I Stay Connected to The Person Who Has Died?
When someone has died, although they are no longer in our lives physically, it can be helpful to stay connected to them as our lives continue. There are different ways that you can stay connected:
- Keep a photo in a special place and talk to them – tell them what you have been up to and imagine how they might respond.
- On special anniversaries and occasions that the person would have been part of, do something significant that day that holds them in mind, so they aren’t forgotten – Light a candle, play a song that reminds you of them, watch their favourite TV show, eat their favourite cake/meal.
- Plant some flowers or a tree in memory of them and think of them when you water and care for them (Remember these have a life cycle too and may need replacing one day).
- Write a letter/keep a diary, writing to the person who has died and tell them what you have been up to and how you are feeling. Think about how they might respond.
- Go outside and visit places that you have visited with the person who has died – don’t be afraid of creating new memories, with new people, you can still hold onto the memories you had.
- Create a Memory Box and fill it with memories you have, and other people have of the person who has died. Put in pictures, stories and things that belonged to them and bring it out at times you feel you need reminding of them.
- Have something made from the person’s clothes- there are companies that can make Teddy Bears or blankets out of their old clothes. Maybe you could create something yourself?
- If the person who died was cremated there are some companies that can put some of the ashes into jewellery or other keep sakes for you.
How can I get help with my Grief…..
If you do feel you are struggling since the death, finding life hard and things don’t seem to be getting any better, it can help to talk to someone. Have you got a trusted friend, family member or teacher you can talk to and tell them how you are feeling?
If you feel that you would like some support from Penhaligon’s Friends, there are various ways to access this. We take referrals directly from the parents/carers of children and young people, and we also receive referrals from schools, youth workers, social care workers, foster carers and other professionals.
You could also contact your G.P to discuss further support or your school/college may have a counsellor that you could talk to.
Grief has no timescale and there is no set length of time you will or should grieve. You may be experiencing immense pain with your feelings right now, but it is important to try to stay hopeful for the future and to make plans.