Bereaved by Suicide
When someone dies by suicide, emotions and thoughts can be even more complex
These emotions can be intense and long lasting, some people say it is like grief with the volume turned up. Grieving when someone close to you dies can be a very painful process.
As well as the whole range of emotions you would feel when someone dies for other reasons, you may experience more intense feelings of:
- Shock and disbelief (This can’t be true. This is a bad dream, I’m going to wake up.)
- Abandonment/Rejection (How can they have left us?)
- Being unloved (If they loved me, they would not have done this)
- Guilt (I wish I had ….. /I wish I hadn’t …)
- Shame/embarrassment (I don’t want people to know. There must be something wrong with me/us for this to have happened)
- Blame (This is my fault. This is their fault)
- Loneliness (I can’t talk to anyone about this. No-one understands. I’m different from everyone else now.)
- Anger (How could they have done this to us! He/She/They caused this)
- Confusion (I don’t know what I feel. I’m angry with them but I love them and miss them terribly.)
You may feel some or all these emotions.
There is no right or wrong way to feel.
Emotions can change from moment to moment. Sometimes they may feel overwhelming and difficult to cope with. At other times you may feel light and happy. It is equally possible not to know how you feel or to feel nothing.
You may find your thinking is dominated by trying to work out why the person took their own life.
Your thoughts may get stuck in the past, wishing you could change what has happened. You may find that you:
- Relive conversations looking for clues or answers.
- Ask yourself ‘what if’ I had…
- Ask yourself ‘if only …..
- Think in great detail about the last time you saw the person who has died, hoping to change what you said or didn’t say.
- Feel trapped in the past, unable to stop thinking about it.
- Be unable to imagine life without the person who has died.
- Think you will not be able to laugh or enjoy anything ever again.
Talking About Thoughts and Emotions
It is helpful if you can find the words and courage to share these thoughts and emotions with a trusted adult. It can help you to process what has happened and may release some of the pain and difficult feelings you may be experiencing.
You may not want to upset family or friends, but it’s okay to ask questions, talk about the suicide or the person who has died. If you avoid talking it may leave you feeling even more distressed and isolated.
Talking can:
- Be comforting and release difficult emotions.
- Build connection by allowing people to share with you.
- Stop you feeling so alone and isolated.
- Bring people closer together.
- Help others to understand where you are and what you need for support.
If you are finding it difficult telling people what has happened or you don’t want to talk about the suicide it may help to have something ready to say.
- (The person) felt they couldn’t go on living anymore so they decided to end their life.
- (The person) seems to have thought that he had no choice but to end his life.
- It is too painful to talk about this right now but it’s kind of you to ask.
Some people practise what they want to say to make it easier in those difficult moments.
If people avoid talking to you it’s likely that they may be worried about upsetting you, be struggling to find the right words or have things going on in their own lives. They still care. They are unable to find the words to communicate that to you.
Moving Forward
While it is true that things will never be quite the same again, you can find a new way forward through your loss. Remember that suicide can be compared to grief with the volume turned up so make sure you:
- Put self-care at the top of your list.
- Stay connected with friends, family and people who can support you.
- Give yourself permission to go out and have fun.
- Plan small activities or events to look forward to.
- If you feel ‘stuck’ in your grief, seek the help beyond family and friends if you need.