Support After Sudden Death

Children and young people sometimes witness or are involved in things that they find very scary or stressful such as road traffic incidents and incidents of violence. These traumatic experiences often require a lot of processing time and can result in changing behaviours. It’s quite normal to be upset, even for quite a while after a frightening event; children and young people (and adults) may feel angry, sad, guilty, confused, or any combination of feelings. Some people continue to feel scared, even though the danger has passed. Children and young people worry less if you can help them to see that their reactions are normal and understandable.

Things become even more complicated when a loved one dies as the result of such an incident.  Often people take time to accept the reality of a death, particularly if it happened in a traumatic way. Younger children might need help to understand that death is permanent, that it happens to everyone, and that it has a cause.

Breaking any bad news to children can be the worst thing you may ever have to do. You are faced with a situation you probably never thought you would be in. Explaining to your child that someone may have been murdered or died in a serious incident like a car crash is extremely difficult and it can be hard to know where to start.

It is important that the information to your child comes from you – you are the person they love and trust.

Whilst you will want to protect your child from this difficult information and the pain of grief that comes with it, it is important to be honest with them. You can be honest in a way that doesn’t give them too much information at once and helps them manage the road that is ahead of them in a healthy way.  Here are some suggestions:

• Give them a warning shot – explain to your child that you have some bad news to tell them.
• Explain that the person has died.
• Start with a simple explanation at this stage such as ‘daddy was found dead in the car’.
• You can build on the information you give your child over time – whilst the truth may seem hard, it can be far more damaging to a child if they are told things that are not true.

If the sudden death is linked to a suspected manslaughter or murder, here are some suggestions of things you could say to your child / young person:

• Explain that someone did something to the deceased that stopped their body from working.
• Explain that what they did to them was very serious. That sometimes people can do terrible/really bad things to other people and that is what we believe happened here.

If the sudden death is linked to a road traffic incident or an unexpected accident, here are some suggestions of things you could say to your child / young person:

• Explain what happened without giving too graphic details on the first instance but enabling the child / young person to take in the information
• You can let them know that experts such as the police and the coroner will be working to try and find out what happened.
• Reassure them that it is ok to ask you any questions they may have.

It may be that this is enough information for your child to manage at the moment and they may not ask anything further. If your child asks you for more detail about how they died, then they are probably going to be able to manage hearing the answer. Children are naturally curious and it is important to answer their questions as they have them. Once you know more let your child know more about what will happen next, the process that will be followed and, if it is not known who committed the crime then explain what the police will be doing to find them.

You may need to give your child more details quickly if there is a possibility of your child finding anything out from someone or somewhere else – bad news and rumours travel fast.

In many situations, your child is likely to find out the truth from someone else, the internet or from the media and if they feel you either lied or hid things from them that can damage the trust they have for you. It can also stop them from talking to you about their worries and feelings both now and in the future. Talking to your child about difficult things, as hard as it may feel, will allow them to share the natural feelings and worries they may have. Your child may want to know if the person who died was hurt. You could explain that it may have hurt/hurt momentarily, however, once they died their body wouldn’t have been able to feel anything.

You may find that your child becomes more anxious now. They will need your help to feel understood and given reassurance that being sad or upset is normal. Reassure your child that whilst something terrible has happened the world is still full of people who do good things and who care about other people.

They may need to discuss what has happened again and again over time. As they get older it is normal for them to go through different emotions and want to know more. They will be changing developmentally and their understanding of the world will be changing too – their grief and what has happened is now part of their life story and, whilst you can’t take away what has happened, you can help them cope with it in a healthy way.

Ensure that your child’s school is aware of what has happened. Let them know that they can contact Penhaligon’s Friends for advice on how best to support your child in school if they feel that would be helpful.

Seek support for yourself too – children can cope much better if they see their parent/carer taking care of themselves and their grief.