Children’s Reactions

As a parent you may feel quite bewildered by changes in your child’s behaviour or their reactions to the death of your loved one. It is important to know that children often ‘act out’ their feelings as they don’t always have the words to express them. Some children will become withdrawn while others may become angry or sad. We hope that the following information will help to reassure you that most of this behaviour is normal in a grieving child.

Children at different stages of development have different understandings of death.

Infants

Babies and infants will not always be aware of the death but will react to the emotions or distress of adults around them.  Wherever possible try and keep routines, try and behave in a calm manner and use close contact to soothe them.

Age 2 to 5 years

Children at this age often confuse death with sleep. They will have magical thinking and not understand the permanence of what has happened or have the language to say how they are feeling. Try to help them with words to explain their emotions or behaviours, and try to keep routines and boundaries consistent. They may revert to comforting behaviours such as thumb sucking or wanting a special toy, this is common with children this age, and usually temporary.

Age 5 to 8 years

Primary aged children are still learning and developing their understanding of death. The child cannot fully separate death from life. Children may think that the person is still living, even though he or she might have been buried, and may ask blunt questions about the deceased (for example, how does the deceased eat, go to the toilet, breathe, or play?). It is helpful to be consistent with language, reassure them they are safe, and try and share the things that will happen in their day to make them feel secure. You can use nature, plants or insects to try to explain the life cycle.

Age 8 to 11 years

Children at this age are commonly very curious about death and may ask questions about what happens to one’s body when it dies. Death is commonly thought of as when a person or spirit separates from the person who was alive, such as a skeleton, ghost, or angel. They may have more of an understanding that death is final, but something that happens mostly to elderly people (and not to themselves). They may feel stronger emotions and experience anxiety about themselves and other family members. Try to avoid expectations of adult behaviour, give them space and opportunity to talk and acknowledge their feelings.

Ages 11 and older

Adolescents can often have lots thoughts about life and death issues, or the ‘meaning of life’. On the other hand, they can be so busy living life to the full that they rarely stop to reflect on their feelings, burying them until they surface much later at a vulnerable time in their lives. A significant death can make a teenager feel particularly thrown because it may go against their strong belief in their own future and that of others. They can start to feel insecure just when they are starting to separate more from the family.

You may notice that they do any of the following:

• Withdraw into a very private existence
• Go back to behaving like a much younger child
• Appear to be very matter-of-fact and detached, worried about emotions overwhelming them
• Exhibit risk-taking behaviours

As these tendencies are often part of normal adolescent development, it may be difficult for you to know if these behaviours relate to their grief, or when to access support. If the young person is managing school and social life, as well as eating and sleeping normally, you can probably wait for the normal grieving process to run its bumpy course. The support of their friends may be particularly important for them.

More than ever they need the love that you have tried to provide all along. They also have even more need to be reminded of the limits that you have set. They may like to talk to someone outside the family who is not in danger of being too upset by hearing about what they are feeling, but it is best not to assume that this is automatically wanted or needed. It can be helpful to acknowledge their feelings and share yours too. Try to find some time to spend together and be available to listen.

Children’s reactions vary greatly and may come in waves.

If you have concerns or want to talk through the behaviours your family are experiencing we are here to help, or your GP may be able to provide practical help.